Good Day

Today was a good day...

Despite the 5am wake up call of a rambunctious baby who wants to play when the sun hasn't even ventured out yet.

Despite the grouchiness that ensued from exhausted parents wrangling a touchy 2 year old and a baby that kept refusing naps all day.

In spite of the fact that we got zero cleaning done although we were cleaning all day.

Regardless of the butcher knife that wanted to take the tip of my thumb off.

And ignoring the screaming that made me put down the baby in defeat and walk away after 3 failed attempts at bed time.

In spite of ourselves, today was great. August loved decorating the tree with us. Every ornament was a shriek of excitement that sizzled down his body and kept him tip-toeing back and forth with new ones.He was "making Christmas" all day. Since that's how long it actually took.

My husband was home all day for a change, despite one little errand he ran for me. He said several things today that made fall for him all over again. Including but not limited to "Man it's hard to clean this house while watching these two monsters." We high fived on that one. NOW he knows! Also noteworthy was "I'm sorry you're having a hard day." Wow, this man is on a roll!

Then there's the truely magical moment that made it all come together. Phoenix was screaming upstairs after I admitted defeat and retreated to put August down like I do every night. I talked through what could be wrong while with Daddy while he played dinosaurs and fire trucks with August. He nodded and said "I don't know either." My best guess is she is over tired from 2 days of crappy naps. Then when the toys were up and it was time for me to read and sing to August before bed, Daddy slipped away mumbling "I'm going to go pick up the baby." She stopped crying at some point as I was frustratingly trying to keep August in the room for book time and negotiate him into bed. So far this isn't magical, just FYI. That part happens when I went up stairs to take her and try and get her back in the crib. Normally she's awake on his shoulder wide eyed and waiting for me to boob her. I stopped, and ducked into the bathroom in case she awoke. She was actually passed out on his shoulder and then he laid her down in the crib, patted her back and she made not a peep. MAGIC. He confidently charted unknown territory and came out triumphant. I love that man. More and more EVERY day.

That's why today was a good...great day.

10 Things About Me

I write a lot about my kiddos, because they are so fascinating and wonderful to me. So here's a post just about me. 10 things you may not know.

1. I love sushi, especially the raw salmon!
2. I weight less after 2 kids than before.
3. I hated vegetables as a child and now there's very few I won't eat.
4. I raise chickens for both meat and eggs and no, it doesn't bother me to kill the meat birds. They are yummy.
5. I'm an artist.
6. I am an expert marksWOman.
7. I used to smoke cigarettes. And I'm SO GLAD I quit four years ago.
8. My husband is my high school sweetheart.
9. I'm already planning our 10 year wedding vow renewal for March of 2016.
10. I haven't worn heels in approximately 2 years...or more and I hate wearing makeup, it only happens once every few months.

Habit Day 1

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/simple-mini-habits-can-change-life/

The above link is the cause for my new daily blog posts. I'd rather be napping right now. But I'm going to write just 50 words first.

Today I realized that Phoenix doesn't like to nurse. She's been fussy all day. Hungry, but yet fighting me every time I tried to nurse her. It's frustrating. Eat the crap that's best for you child! I thought it was teething, but it happens regardless of if she's on infant advil or not. Breastfeeding is also easiest for me of course, the meal prep time consists wholly of fidgeting with my shirt and bra for all of 10 seconds.

She won't let me spoon feed her either. With the exception of whole grain infant cereal. She can't just eat that all day. So I steam vegetables or fresh fruit or give her packaged teething biscuits or puffs or whatever. She loves feeding herself. This however is hard since we live a 2hour round trip from the nearest grocery and only make the haul every few weeks. Fresh doesn't last long and I hate freezing and re-thawing. Phooey.

With my son, he ate anything and everything happily that I shoved in his face. He was a boobie monster, NEVER turning a nurse down. He also ate literally everything I ever gave him. I was so spoiled by this!

She will nurse till the cows come home at night or if sleeping. This does not help me. Rather the opposite. Her sleep patterns have improved some since she graduated from bassinet to mini crib. (Thanks Liz for that "Why didn't I do that earlier" advice!)

So today after dealing with the fat lip all morning from her despite giving her fresh plumb and banana and steamed carrots to nibble on and numerous failed attempts to nurse, I fed her a big bowl of organic infant oatmeal. BINGO. She was just still hungry. So now I shall work in feeding her oatmeal or whole grain cereal with every meal I guess. I have some new food pouches on the way for her to try, but so far I've tried 4 flavors from one brand and she flunked them all!

And that's my 363 words for the day ;) Initiate NAP TIME!

Survival Mode

It started out as "sleep regression". That mystical time around 6 months where some babies decide that sleeping through the night is overrated. I made inquiries to "qualified" mothers of multiple children. What do I do? Is it something I've done? Or didn't do? Could it be this or that...dead ends. I have gotten a pretty wide variety of "You're screwed, just wait it out." advice in not so many words. She's now just shy of 8 months old.

Waking anywhere between 4 to 10 times and sometimes countless times a night. Thank God 99.9% of the time she goes right back to sleep after a quick nurse. Sometimes however she decides her bassinet is lined with needles and screams like I'm torturing her when I lay her down. I hate co-sleeping. I worry about the smother factor. I have to lay on my side for the space and in order to facilitate the boob in mouth approach that makes her sleep. I have scoliosis and if I sleep on my side, my back awakes in knots. Every time I move she fusses or yelps, and she eventually wakes up at 5am as opposed to 8am.

Reluctantly, when I'm so tired that I can't trust myself to stay awake holding her and nursing, I take her to bed with me.

Sometimes it's teething. I can tell from the drool and the painful cry when she wakes up. Other times she just...well I'm not sure what it is but she insists on nursing to go back to sleep.

Some of you may be thinking sleep training is the answer. However, answer me this: How then is she the best at falling asleep without nursing during the day, taking 3 naps, 1 of which is a long one. She is "trained" believe me. I just played peekaboo with her and said night night and left. She was out without a peep in 5 minutes...

At first I fought this "ailment" trying to get more solid food in her during the day so she wasn't so hungry at night. FAIL. My milk supply only suffered from the decreased day feeds and then she was nursing MORE at night. I offer her "Nunu" all day, can't make her do it if she doesn't want to. I was a zombie for months. I was lazy and used my exhaustion as an excuse to couch potato and avoid exertion. But then it became routine. I made piece with her habits and preferences. I quit handicapping myself because obviously it's not a quickly passing phase. I got off my butt and got back to things. To cooking(real food) and cleaning regularly and even exercising every night. It helped tremendously to be more active. I think(knock on wood) she's finally starting to pull out of the "never let mommy sleep" phase. I hope so at least. But if not, hey, it's still a phase. She will eventually wean and be done with this madness.

The part that both boggles the mind and makes it all pretty bearable, is that she is so easy going and happy during the day. At least I don't have to deal with colic. Kudos to you colic baby having mommies. I'm not sure I could do that.

I did cut out all unnecessary tasks (like writing blogs before bed :P) so that I could streamline my day and save a little energy. And I make myself take naps when I still struggle to stay awake long enough to finish a plate of food. It's my survival mode. I do what needs to be done quickly, then rest.

Some day I'll wish to be here again right? I think I'll wish for months 2-5 again more. I already do! Hah. She's just so darn worth it though! Really... the goober...

Life with to 2 Kids, Month 6

Yesterday I had a easy newborn that napped all the time and a toddler who was potty training. Oh wait, that was 6 months ago. They do grow too fast! 6 months into this dual child parenting thing, and its not easier. But it's better(on non teething and/or growth spurt days that is)!

Today, I have a well potty trained 2.5 year old boy and a 6 month old baby girl who is on the verge of starting solid food, sitting up un-assisted, and rolling over to her stomach. She can roll from tummy to back since 3 months old but has no motivation for anything tummy related. That's the only main similarity between her and her brother. He crawled briefly(for a few weeks) then walked at 9 months old. I guess maybe they don't see adults crawling around on the floor so they don't feel the need to! ;)

Auggie is quickly developing his empathy and compassion. He is finally using these skills with his sister. He affectionately refers to her as Pheety now, although I have got him to say Phoenix a few times. At least she's not just "Baby" anymore. He still wants to take his toys from her but will replace them with a toy of his choice when asked. The past few days the replacement toy of choice is one of his large play construction nails.

He tells me when he sees her in need of my attention "OH NO Mommy, YUCKY, Pheety pook!" - She spit up. "Pheety fall down!" - She fell over wherever I had her propped up. He also likes to join in games with her like blowing raspberries on her tummy and cheeks, kisses all over, peek-a-boo, or funny faces/noises.

We only have one room for the kids to share and as she quickly out grows the bassinet by our bed, I'm faced with a few conundrums.
#1 Auggie needs to transition to a big boy bed and out of a night time diaper soon. My plan for that is putting a potty in his room and let him go a he pleases at night. His aim is great and he's gotten the hang of navigating his pants down and up since we've been working on that lately.
#2 If Auggie has free reign of his room at night, he would have access to the babies crib. I've heard of cage like tops for cribs but in case of fire or emergency, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with this.
#3 Phoenix will be teething on and off and I'm worried of that bothering her brother in the middle of the night.
#4 I'm thinking of waiting until she is 1 to put her in his room, but that means getting another small crib for upstairs until then. I want to avoid more baby paraphernalia if at all possible.
#5 Who goes to bed first? And since Phoenix will likely be getting up earlier to nurse in bed with me and sleep a little more, will this wake Auggie up for the day and "ruin" my morning baby snuggles?

I guess I'll just take it one day at a time for now. I'll get Auggie transitioned into a big bed, then night trained, and we'll see where Phoenix is as far as her schedule at that point.

This household is an ever evolving organism. I spend a LOT of time trouble shooting for solutions to make us all happier. But we are indeed already very happy. What works from one day to the next isn't st in stone. Flexibility is my new trait to master while keeping a tight schedule for my son so he feels secure and knows what to expect. 

Tell Her She's a Great Mom

My daughter is 6 months old. She has this awesome trick that she does where she not only has week long growth spurts, but then backs it up with another week of teething. She did this at her 4 month growth spurt, and now her 6 month. Somewhere towards the end of week 2 of waking up at all hours to breastfeed, I start to wonder if it's something I'm doing wrong. Maybe she's just in the habit of eating at all hours now?! It's a horrific thought. I NEED my sleep to be the best mother I can be. I get very impatient after the grueling days of sleep deprivation.

As if it's not enough when she's getting up sometimes TEN times a night, there always seems to be a conspiracy of cats tickling my face and random other occurrences that sometimes make me want to pull my hair out. Example:

The past two nights went like this. 8:00 PM kids in bed. 9 PM, 10:30, 12:00, 1:45, and 2:30 baby woke to nurse. I gave her some infant advil at that point. Then my 2.5 year old son woke screaming. I ran downstairs to find him bawling and saying "Play Cars!" Really Auggie? You are crying because you want to play with your toy cars?! So I had him pee instead, then sang him one song and back to bed. By this time Baby Girl was already screaming bloody murder again and my half awake husband's reply was that she sounded like she was calming down, so he didn't pick her up... Nurse and return to bassinet. What the Hell is that bright light shining through the window now? Oh the neighbors truck. They parked and pointed the lights slightly not right in my window but I guess its one of those lights that stays on until it goes off thing, which at 3:00AM feels like 30 minutes. This got me thinking about how I need to get the sewing machine set up very soon to make the curtains...by the way where did I put all that material?...etc...Insert Cat that thinks it's awesome to to purr in my face and tickle me at 4am. Then Baby Girl again at 5AM. But I think we got to sleep in until 8 after that. Fast forward to last night...

Similar baby scenario. Dogs barked ALL NIGHT LONG. Similar cat shenanigans. I got to see an amazing sunrise and almost considered waking the Hubbster up to see it but quickly came to my senses. At 6:45AM I wasn't asleep because my adorable daughter had been laying next to me shrieking like a tiny happy banshee after the beautiful sunrise. Then the cherry on this sundae was the donkey hee-hawing it up right outside my sons window. Thanks Johnny... So then this started the chain reaction of over-tired pre-schooler crying about everything under the sun.

He simultaneously wanted to be held, sit next to me, under the blanket, me to bring him juice, to eat cereal, no scratch that, a can of peaches, then neither, and to put a movie on. My Husband had had about enough of the whining when I just clicked. The poor kid was just as upset as we were that the screeching baby and donkey had woken us up. So I held him as he replied to a frustrated dad inquiring as to why he was still crying. "I SAD!" I negotiated:
"Awe honey I know. Are you tired too?"
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry, Did that donkey wake you up?"
"Yeah, donkey..."
"He was loud wasn't he? It sounded like he was next to your window."
"Yeah Donkey window! See donkey?" And then he searched briefly for it out the window to no avail. The crying had stopped and then he finally decided it was time to eat the bowl of peaches and cereal. He just needed to be understood and acknowledged.

Both my babies were happy and playing, but I was still dog tired, I wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep for a week. I felt like I couldn't possibly hold it together by the straws I was grasping. My hubby had gone outside to let the chickens out and when he returned he gave me a kiss on the forehead and said the words that healed my heart and restored my self faith:

"Auggie, You have such a great Mommy. Do you know that? Man, you are lucky to have such a great Mommy. "
A - "Yeah, good Mommy"
Hubby - "Can you tell her thank you and I love you?"
A- "I Love you, Thank you"

I went on to have the most lovely day with my children behaving like angels and I even squeezed in a 30 minute nap. The Hubby came home and cleaned the kitchen and cooked us dinner too. Love that man!

So spouses and friends of mommies everywhere. Take the time to tell those mommies in your life that have dark circles, forgot to brush their hair for what looks like the 4th day in a row, not to mention shaving their armpits and/or legs too, that they are great and doing a great job. Tell them whether they are having a good day or bad. Tell them frequently. It makes more difference than you realize. It makes them believe in themselves more, which makes it easier to push through the really hard days.

Rare Spontaneous Nap Time

Chill Pills

On a relatively good day I sometimes ask myself “What am I doing wrong?” and there are days where the question is “What am I doing right?” because I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. Today was a “What am I doing wrong day”, thankfully. Things I probably did “wrong” include yelling at Auggie to stop yelling at me. Letting him get away with things because timeout was inconvenient at the time was also one. I’m pretty sure I used foul language several times today too. Those are things I’m conscious of; The things I try to work on so that I can be a better mommy. What made me ask myself “What am I doing wrong” is something new. It worries me. It makes me feel like we may have screwed up on a whole new level. The hubs was also very concerned. 

It all started during a ruckus over naptime a few days ago. I sang to Auggie and rocked him for a minute as always and put him down for his nap. He was happy and didn’t fight it. I went outside to do my chicken chores and change the laundry. When I came back, he was asking to poop from his crib with mild urgency. I took him to the potty and started washing up and patiently telling him to go or at least try to or he was going straight back to bed. He was goofing off, asking me “Long leg go?” and trying to play the game we normally play on the pot where he makes funny faces and gestures that I copy. I told him that the daddy long legs are likely taking a nap as he should be, and that I wasn’t going to play right now because it was nap time. He continued to rope me into playful banter yet I held firm. A fly landed in his hair and he tried to catch it accidentally pulling out a hand full of hair. I told him “Oh no, that must have hurt! Be careful, honey.” 10ish minutes total passed and I had to carry him kicking and screaming back to his crib. 

He began screaming as if I was torturing him and pleading “POO POO PLEEEEASE!” I had to walk outside where I could still hear him but I could calm my nerves and think. I’d give it 5 minutes and assess if he had calmed down at all or not. He hadn’t so I went back in. He had climbed out of his crib and was shaking the door still pleading. So I opened it, got on his level and told him he could go, but he must get to business quickly. 

He went immediately. Then he faked it for another 10 minutes. I was patient and was wiping his tears, calmed him down, and told him it was time to go back to sleep (if he had ever really fell asleep in the first place). Each time I tried to lead him back to bed, he would cry for the potty again and so I would put him there and tell him to hurry and try. I tried leaving the bathroom so he would get bored. Yet, the playing prevailed. Then he started pulling out hair again! I calmly told him not to do it. He then did it again. At my wits end, I tried to take him back to bed once more to no avail. I looked at the time, it had been an hour and 45 minutes since he originally went down for said nap…I gave up. If he needed my attention so bad that he has resorted to hair pulling, I thought, then so be it.

Fast forward to tonight. I’m rocking him and singing his nighttime song, Somewhere over the Rainbow, after Daddy has played cars with him and read him 2 books. The normal bedtime routine. He’s smiling at me and then BAM, rips out a handful of hair again. Smiles at me, then looks at his hand to see just how much he got…I said “Why would you pull out your hair? Doesn’t that hurt? Please don’t pull out your hair.” He never stopped smiling and I caught his hand before it made its second grab. I got mad and did my best to not yell so it came out like that scary growly voice that moms do so well. “Do NOT do that again, it’s BAD. You will get in trouble if you do it again.” Then went right back into my happy rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I was watching him lay there with that “OK, I’ve snapped out of it. Yeesh” Look on his face, wondering what we could have ever done to make him want to hurt himself like that… I have a new found guilt for a few things I did as a teen and how my parents must have felt.

Daddy heard it all go down. He was waiting to find out what Auggie had done. He said “I hope he’s ok…” My immediate response was “Why wouldn’t he be? It’s probably just a phase. He’s 2, another ploy for attention probably.” But my other half had a powerful rebuttal “How much attention does he need? He gets SO much attention!” Well, it’s true. I’m a stay at home mom. I give him as much attention as I can every day. Yet lately he has been very needy. He screamed at me to hold him for 5 minutes as I made his lunch today (remember when I said I had yelled at him not to yell at me?) There’s only so many times I can calmly tell a child that I have to cook him lunch because he did after all just get done crying about being hungry. I’m not perfect. No one is. 

So why is my baby boy yanking hair out then? This is something I’d be googling if the internet wasn’t down right now. He gets a lot of attention. He gets one on one with both me and Daddy several times a day. We read him 4 books a day. He gets at least an hour of outdoor play a day. He gets as much free play as he wants on top of that(which is a lot lately). He could be getting his top 2 year molars, yet I don’t think that would cause pulling hair. Especially not with a smile on his face…Maybe it is just to stall; to cause a ruckus to prevent the inevitable nap? Hopefully. I’ll have to settle on that for now. It’s only happened twice. It may not ever happen again. Yet, it’s one of those things a parent has panicked thoughts about and stays up late worrying over. So let me just recap today’s highlights instead:

Bareback riding: After asking Auggie to pull up his undies and pants after peeing, he decided it was easier to take them off completely. This was fine since we were home for a while. He rode his huge plush horse around the house sans pants and took it off of sweet jumps(like a pile of blankets). Some of which he did not land well and quietly exclaimed “oh nooooo.”  He’d roll around and assess his horse before getting up and moving on. “Two, threeeeeee!” He’d say as he jumped his pal over toys in his room. 

Dance party: We danced for the better part of an hour. Twirling, giggling, and romping around like…well, children. He impressed with new steps and gestures and enjoyed running through my legs. There were several minor injuries and Daddy said to calm it down. We didn’t listen. Baby Phoenix enjoyed the show, especially when Mommy got the muslin blanket and flung it about in an almost keep away dance game with Auggie. He was also, still, sans pants. 

Those are the bits that remind me to take a pill, of the variety chill, and rest easy knowing I’m doing my absolute best.

Transitioning to 2 Kids, Month 2

Wow, the first 2 months with two children is crazy! Which is why this is being posted now that my newest is nearly 6mo old! It's hard, just as hard as adjusting to having one child. Everyone says that your second child will be a completely different machine than the first and the same things that worked with #1 won't with #2. I thought, "Psshhhhh, I got this. I'm a pro after having 1 already. Malarkey." The joke was definitely on me. My daughter is surely not the same species as my son. Here are the immediate differences:

1. Nursing - My son nursed for 30 minutes to an hour each time and would give me a 2-3 hour break in between. My daughter nurses from 5-20 minutes and only gives me a 1 to 1 1/2 hour break in between. Believe me, I tried all the tricks in the book to get her to nurse longer. She just clamps her little pouty mouth shut and won't have it.

2. Sleeping - My son would sleep for an hour or more each time I nursed him. My daughter, well, she takes naps for about 10-30 minutes all day and not normally syncronized with nursing, rather she makes me rock her to sleep and only sleeps a few times a day. Don't even get me started on the night time routine! Try getting a fussy newborn to sleep while a toddler is running around like a headless chicken screaming "Big foot gon get youuuuuu!" We have a huge fan that stays on to muffle the hilarity and ridiculousness that is my son before bed.

3. Poop - My son pooped every time he nursed. Baby girl only a few times a day. Yes, she was gaining plenty. She just perferred to save it all up into pooplosions of epic proportions. She set the record for number of wipes used per diaper. 11... sigh. Oh, and there was a week she decided to poop during her night time change every night...for 6 days straight. That had to be on purpose right? Thank god, I was already schooled by my son on how to tell the poop is about to horrifically squirt everywhere. So I was semi prepared in my zombie stupor and managed to keep it from getting on the sheets 5 out of 6 times at least.

4. Pee - this one is simple and a bonus to having a daughter. She can't pee like a sprinkler all over the couch and in my eye balls. I don't miss this one. :)

5. Smile - Both my children were/are early smilers. I love it. Her smile is so big you can see her gums on the bottom. My sons was a sly wide grin, hers is more of a gaping slobbery sun beam and I'll definitely get some good first tooth pictures this time because of it.

Some things were hard and I couldn't have planned for them. Like the 36 hour labor. I missed my son sooo much having only spend several hours away from him tops in the preceding months. I cried like a baby the night we spent in a hotel because home was too far to travel while in labor. I just wanted to hold him and it was so hard.

Enjoying his sister...and TV

Another was nursing while my toddler cried for me to hold him. I gave special snacks, put on lots of movies, and thank GOD I have a double wide rocking chair so I could put one arm around him while he cried and kiss him and tell him I love him. He had to learn a lot of patience and so did I! While he wanted to go outside and play and I was nursing I got lots of "Baby DOWN!" remarks as he gestured to the swing where she napped... Broke my heart a little every time. I learned to nurse with one hand, sitting outside, standing cooking, hunched over a potty training boy helping him aim and wiggle pants on/off. I have a new found love for baby wearing and it's the only way most dinners got made before bedtime!

Nursing cuteness!

It was a LOOOOOOONG first month. I spent a lot of one on one with my son, during baby's naps that I had the luxury of sleeping through the first time. He didn't immediately take to brother-dom like I had hoped. But a lot of suggestive teaching by us got him in the spirit eventually. "Awwwwe you love your baby sister don't you?! Can you give her a kiss? (insert heart swelling smackaroo) Oh what a good brother! Look at her smile!(from gas :P) See she loves you so much too!"

At 2 months old, he's starting to warm up to the idea, and forget what it was like before we had her. Paying close attention to his cues and making the most of every baby nap by doing fun things with him helps volumes. At 1 month in, I had moments that I thought we had made a mistake and Auggie wasn't ready. That maybe he'd resent her forever. But it's not the case. It's just a big adjustment and we're all gelling beautifully now. I'm sure there will be much cuteness to follow as this new little person creates memories and milestones with us all.

Oh that gummy smile!

Is it harder than transitioning to 1 child? Can you quantify something like that really? I think it's the same. It is both the most joyous thing I've ever done all over again and the hardest. It's just hard for different reasons. My advice for new parents of 2? When you have no idea how to make it work, take a deep breath...Tell yourself that both your children are alive and well(maybe tantruming, but that's OK!) You can figure it out. Deep breaths, and let the baby scream if needed. Baby Wear! If all else fails, phone a friend with 2, 3, 4 or more kids. They may chuckle and that may piss you off a bit, but its going to be one of those been there done that, had the spit up stains on my shirt but went out in public with to grocery shop anyways laughs. You'll be laughing with them in a few months, and you will be amazed at the things you championed this time that you "never could have done" last time.

The Vanishing Star

Most nights I do that annoying thing where you lay awake and think about all the crud you need to get done. Occasionally I'm awake and feeling philosophical. This happened some time last week, it started like normal where I stare out the huge windows on the eastern and western walls of our home from bed and ponder all things that should wait till morning but don't since its easier to think sans goobers.

I noticed a large twinkling star out the far window to the west. It sure was pretty, twinkling red, white and yellow. Fading in and out of sight. A few times I thought it had disappeared. Then I remembered that because of the speed of light taking a while to get to us at great distances, it's possible some stars are already gone. That this beauty although very real, may be from a dead star. It could have burnt out 5 billion years ago. It's still beautiful to me. It still feels very alive and real. Some day the light may be gone, but I will always remember this moment for some reason.

Because the next night, it was gone. I had a clear view, in the middle of that huge half circle window. I looked for my pretty beacon the next night and its gone. How did I happen to see one star out of the millions in this high mountain sky, think about the possibility of it disappearing, then it actually happen? I felt cheated. I knew it was possible. Yet, I didn't think it would actually happen to me. I didn't think that it would make me so sad or angry. But it did.

I think subconsciously it reminded me of recent events. My Gramsy just passed away. I knew it was coming. I had much the same reaction to her death as I did to the star. It's hard to be out of control, to be so far away from the things that we feel so close to.

However, there's something that I realized here. After our physical bodies are gone, there are memories of us; Bright, happy, meaningful memories that will stay with others for a lifetime. It will effect our loved ones. We will pass on these little stars to our children and to our grandchildren. There's no telling how long the light will fill hearts of the living and make a difference. 5 Billion years?

I still see your light Gramsy. I'll pass it on.

Love and Light. Thank you, my Vanishing Star.

The Little Things

I was engrossed in my laptop screen when she touched me. Her fingers slid up my arm like four tiny feathers. Ever so gently, ever so slowly. Up from my elbow to my shoulder and down again. This was a first. Her muscle control and fine motor skills had not allowed her such finesse before. It stopped me and I looked over at her. She reached up and touched my lips. It tickled. I smiled at her with tears welling in my eyes. She's growing up so fast. She'd been studying me for I'm not sure how long; Sitting in her bumbo chair and watching the world. She gave me a shy grin then went back to investigating my lips for a few seconds. Then once again stroked my arm. It was a moment of clarity, of sweetness unparallelled. It was like she was for a moment an older child. It surprised me coming from my 4.5 month old. I knew there would never be another moment quite like it. Her hands will never be as soft as they are today. Her smile never as gummy as her first teeth threaten to break through. In that moment, I paused and we were speaking to each other on a different plain. I caressed her chubby cheek with my other hand. Wondering how my hands feel to her. Maybe they feel like my husbands hands do to me. Rough in comparison to my own. I kissed her slobbery lips and then wrapped her up in the most loving hug I could muster as I whispered to her "I love you Phoenix, Thank you".

I soak up moments like these and frequently visit them when I'm feeling blue; when I'm at my wits end and feeling like a failed mother. They ground me and help unleash that raw passionate love. It's the only way to counteract a toddler in the midst of tantrum. That's when I have brilliant parenting ideas. It doesn't always come to me easily. That's why I decided to write this one down. I want to relive it a million times over.

Rainbow

I'm not sure where to even begin after putting the last year under our belt. We moved to New Mexico in September. I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter and a 17 month old toddler tornado. We had very little savings, and a home that was little more than a shell to complete before winter. We knew what we were signing up for, and it worked out in the best way possible; With happiness. Loads of happiness! It was by far harder in some ways than we thought it would be, yet so much easier in others. Here's the short version to bring you up to date:

 Acclimating to high altitude while pregnant and chasing a 17mo old toddler BOY who only knows 1 speed - FAST- was nothing short of EXHAUSTING. After about a month I felt like I could breath again and started enjoying chasing Auggie around and playing in the fresh mountain air and sunshine. The 2nd trimester seemed to help with that as well.

Withdrawals: Man, you don't know how addicted you are to electronics, adult conversation and work until you quit all three cold turkey. No cell service, No cable, No job. It was a HUGE adjustment to make. I felt so lonely without the 10+ people I got to shoot the shtuff with every morning. I was busy though with said tornado toddler, so that helped. How do I fill a whole day with just being a mom? That's the question I struggled with for the first, Oh i don't know....day. Then the question was how do I get all the chores done AND keep my toddler happy.

Schedules! Auggie had just as hard of a time adjusting as I did. But once we figured out a schedule for the day that allowed for us both to be rested, happy and not throw tantrums, it just kind of gelled and I started to really see what I had been missing out on. Stay at home mom-dom was more than I ever thought it would be. I didn't have to worry about what his daycare was feeding him or if he really did still love me(only moms know those irrational fears). I knew he was getting everything he needed to the fullest extent. And that makes me so happy. So did 3 home cooked meals a day. Thank God I can cook! And what pregnant woman doesn't want to spend all her free time cooking exactly what she wants to eat all day. It was pretty awesome.

Living arrangements: We were in a small room with only a TV, bed and boxes of necessities. Oh, and a porta-potty for use in the middle of the night. The "real" bathroom was 20 yards from our room, and the OUTDOOR kitchen was about 10 yards. Yup, outdoor kitchen. Which was pretty lovely until the temps got in the 20's at night and in the mornings and I had to thaw sponges and anything that got left in the sink at night because it was too cold to do dishes. We were supposed to be in our home by then. But come December we were still there, despite lots of help from the locals and family to get our home done. It just took longer than expected. Like 2 months longer. Christmas Eve we moved in. I wanted to spend Christmas Day in OUR home. And my awesome hubby made that happen! I just thank God for awesome inlaws that let us use their facilities and a gazzillion other ways too!

1st Snow Ball - Mommy too!

Winter: Something we'd never really experienced in Houston. Loading the wood burning stove in the
winter while 7+ months pregnant was not my favorite chore, but hey, it was free! The Hubby did it most of the time when he was home - along with ALL the wood chopping- Also, not his favorite chore. But we both mastered the technique and now we know we need A LOT more wood for next winter. Especially since we were blessed with a very mild first winter on the mountain.
So once we're in our home its all gravy right? Not quite. Sure we were happy and relieved. Yet, We didn't have a washer or dryer hooked up. Enter 7 month pregnant woman going back and forth to do laundry for another couple months. Then I got a washer hooked up, but not a dryer. Enter mom of newborn and 2 year old trying to find time to hang 2 loads of laundry a day. Actually, I kind of enjoyed that. I am I'll post more later in that regards. The hubby still has a lot of work to do on the house, yet making money comes first so not sure when all of that will get done. We have been extremely lucky with lots of work, and My husband has both surprised me and validated what I've always known. That he is one of the most hard working, determined, and inspiring men I have ever known. He got trained at the VFD to fight wildfires and then got scooped up like a hot cake to work out of Capitan on an as needed basis for wildfires. It's perfect for him in every way.

Somewhere in there was a 36 hour labor BTW. Which gave us a mesmerizingly beautiful daughter that we named Phoenix Alayne. More on her and my wonderfully drawn out VBAC later too.

It was HARD; God was it hard. Still, it was more rewarding than hard though. For the first time we

have our priorities straight. Family is first, not rushing out the door to get to a unfulfilling job. But taking the extra ten minutes when needed to love on our little ones, or each other. That my job is only to make sure my children and husband are happy, is a huge load off my back! I don't have to please 10 other people a day before I can come home and spend time with the ones that I truly love and care for. I can take a walk with my explorer son and not hurry him. Exploring properly cannot be hurried, you can't stop and  talk to the ants if you're being whisked away to adhere to the schedule. You can't run around naked  just because you can at daycare. You certainly cannot go on an expedition to find big foot before bath time with daddy on the four wheeler when you're in the city. None of the "hardships" of the past year can hold a candle to the stress load we had in Houston. If I could have been a SAHM in Houston, maybe we would have stayed. But it just wasn't going to happen for us, so we grabbed life by the horns and held on for the ride. If one thing hadn't happened the way it did, we wouldn't have made it. Everything fell into place. As with all of the best things that have happened to me in my life. There's always a torrential storm we go through to get to the other side. But Damn it sure is pretty when we get there. In Spite of ourselves, we've ended up sitting on a rainbow... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRb1h989_jk