The Vanishing Star

Most nights I do that annoying thing where you lay awake and think about all the crud you need to get done. Occasionally I'm awake and feeling philosophical. This happened some time last week, it started like normal where I stare out the huge windows on the eastern and western walls of our home from bed and ponder all things that should wait till morning but don't since its easier to think sans goobers.

I noticed a large twinkling star out the far window to the west. It sure was pretty, twinkling red, white and yellow. Fading in and out of sight. A few times I thought it had disappeared. Then I remembered that because of the speed of light taking a while to get to us at great distances, it's possible some stars are already gone. That this beauty although very real, may be from a dead star. It could have burnt out 5 billion years ago. It's still beautiful to me. It still feels very alive and real. Some day the light may be gone, but I will always remember this moment for some reason.

Because the next night, it was gone. I had a clear view, in the middle of that huge half circle window. I looked for my pretty beacon the next night and its gone. How did I happen to see one star out of the millions in this high mountain sky, think about the possibility of it disappearing, then it actually happen? I felt cheated. I knew it was possible. Yet, I didn't think it would actually happen to me. I didn't think that it would make me so sad or angry. But it did.

I think subconsciously it reminded me of recent events. My Gramsy just passed away. I knew it was coming. I had much the same reaction to her death as I did to the star. It's hard to be out of control, to be so far away from the things that we feel so close to.

However, there's something that I realized here. After our physical bodies are gone, there are memories of us; Bright, happy, meaningful memories that will stay with others for a lifetime. It will effect our loved ones. We will pass on these little stars to our children and to our grandchildren. There's no telling how long the light will fill hearts of the living and make a difference. 5 Billion years?

I still see your light Gramsy. I'll pass it on.

Love and Light. Thank you, my Vanishing Star.

The Little Things

I was engrossed in my laptop screen when she touched me. Her fingers slid up my arm like four tiny feathers. Ever so gently, ever so slowly. Up from my elbow to my shoulder and down again. This was a first. Her muscle control and fine motor skills had not allowed her such finesse before. It stopped me and I looked over at her. She reached up and touched my lips. It tickled. I smiled at her with tears welling in my eyes. She's growing up so fast. She'd been studying me for I'm not sure how long; Sitting in her bumbo chair and watching the world. She gave me a shy grin then went back to investigating my lips for a few seconds. Then once again stroked my arm. It was a moment of clarity, of sweetness unparallelled. It was like she was for a moment an older child. It surprised me coming from my 4.5 month old. I knew there would never be another moment quite like it. Her hands will never be as soft as they are today. Her smile never as gummy as her first teeth threaten to break through. In that moment, I paused and we were speaking to each other on a different plain. I caressed her chubby cheek with my other hand. Wondering how my hands feel to her. Maybe they feel like my husbands hands do to me. Rough in comparison to my own. I kissed her slobbery lips and then wrapped her up in the most loving hug I could muster as I whispered to her "I love you Phoenix, Thank you".

I soak up moments like these and frequently visit them when I'm feeling blue; when I'm at my wits end and feeling like a failed mother. They ground me and help unleash that raw passionate love. It's the only way to counteract a toddler in the midst of tantrum. That's when I have brilliant parenting ideas. It doesn't always come to me easily. That's why I decided to write this one down. I want to relive it a million times over.

Rainbow

I'm not sure where to even begin after putting the last year under our belt. We moved to New Mexico in September. I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter and a 17 month old toddler tornado. We had very little savings, and a home that was little more than a shell to complete before winter. We knew what we were signing up for, and it worked out in the best way possible; With happiness. Loads of happiness! It was by far harder in some ways than we thought it would be, yet so much easier in others. Here's the short version to bring you up to date:

 Acclimating to high altitude while pregnant and chasing a 17mo old toddler BOY who only knows 1 speed - FAST- was nothing short of EXHAUSTING. After about a month I felt like I could breath again and started enjoying chasing Auggie around and playing in the fresh mountain air and sunshine. The 2nd trimester seemed to help with that as well.

Withdrawals: Man, you don't know how addicted you are to electronics, adult conversation and work until you quit all three cold turkey. No cell service, No cable, No job. It was a HUGE adjustment to make. I felt so lonely without the 10+ people I got to shoot the shtuff with every morning. I was busy though with said tornado toddler, so that helped. How do I fill a whole day with just being a mom? That's the question I struggled with for the first, Oh i don't know....day. Then the question was how do I get all the chores done AND keep my toddler happy.

Schedules! Auggie had just as hard of a time adjusting as I did. But once we figured out a schedule for the day that allowed for us both to be rested, happy and not throw tantrums, it just kind of gelled and I started to really see what I had been missing out on. Stay at home mom-dom was more than I ever thought it would be. I didn't have to worry about what his daycare was feeding him or if he really did still love me(only moms know those irrational fears). I knew he was getting everything he needed to the fullest extent. And that makes me so happy. So did 3 home cooked meals a day. Thank God I can cook! And what pregnant woman doesn't want to spend all her free time cooking exactly what she wants to eat all day. It was pretty awesome.

Living arrangements: We were in a small room with only a TV, bed and boxes of necessities. Oh, and a porta-potty for use in the middle of the night. The "real" bathroom was 20 yards from our room, and the OUTDOOR kitchen was about 10 yards. Yup, outdoor kitchen. Which was pretty lovely until the temps got in the 20's at night and in the mornings and I had to thaw sponges and anything that got left in the sink at night because it was too cold to do dishes. We were supposed to be in our home by then. But come December we were still there, despite lots of help from the locals and family to get our home done. It just took longer than expected. Like 2 months longer. Christmas Eve we moved in. I wanted to spend Christmas Day in OUR home. And my awesome hubby made that happen! I just thank God for awesome inlaws that let us use their facilities and a gazzillion other ways too!

1st Snow Ball - Mommy too!

Winter: Something we'd never really experienced in Houston. Loading the wood burning stove in the
winter while 7+ months pregnant was not my favorite chore, but hey, it was free! The Hubby did it most of the time when he was home - along with ALL the wood chopping- Also, not his favorite chore. But we both mastered the technique and now we know we need A LOT more wood for next winter. Especially since we were blessed with a very mild first winter on the mountain.
So once we're in our home its all gravy right? Not quite. Sure we were happy and relieved. Yet, We didn't have a washer or dryer hooked up. Enter 7 month pregnant woman going back and forth to do laundry for another couple months. Then I got a washer hooked up, but not a dryer. Enter mom of newborn and 2 year old trying to find time to hang 2 loads of laundry a day. Actually, I kind of enjoyed that. I am I'll post more later in that regards. The hubby still has a lot of work to do on the house, yet making money comes first so not sure when all of that will get done. We have been extremely lucky with lots of work, and My husband has both surprised me and validated what I've always known. That he is one of the most hard working, determined, and inspiring men I have ever known. He got trained at the VFD to fight wildfires and then got scooped up like a hot cake to work out of Capitan on an as needed basis for wildfires. It's perfect for him in every way.

Somewhere in there was a 36 hour labor BTW. Which gave us a mesmerizingly beautiful daughter that we named Phoenix Alayne. More on her and my wonderfully drawn out VBAC later too.

It was HARD; God was it hard. Still, it was more rewarding than hard though. For the first time we

have our priorities straight. Family is first, not rushing out the door to get to a unfulfilling job. But taking the extra ten minutes when needed to love on our little ones, or each other. That my job is only to make sure my children and husband are happy, is a huge load off my back! I don't have to please 10 other people a day before I can come home and spend time with the ones that I truly love and care for. I can take a walk with my explorer son and not hurry him. Exploring properly cannot be hurried, you can't stop and  talk to the ants if you're being whisked away to adhere to the schedule. You can't run around naked  just because you can at daycare. You certainly cannot go on an expedition to find big foot before bath time with daddy on the four wheeler when you're in the city. None of the "hardships" of the past year can hold a candle to the stress load we had in Houston. If I could have been a SAHM in Houston, maybe we would have stayed. But it just wasn't going to happen for us, so we grabbed life by the horns and held on for the ride. If one thing hadn't happened the way it did, we wouldn't have made it. Everything fell into place. As with all of the best things that have happened to me in my life. There's always a torrential storm we go through to get to the other side. But Damn it sure is pretty when we get there. In Spite of ourselves, we've ended up sitting on a rainbow... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRb1h989_jk