I was engrossed in my laptop screen when she touched me. Her fingers slid up my arm like four tiny feathers. Ever so gently, ever so slowly. Up from my elbow to my shoulder and down again. This was a first. Her muscle control and fine motor skills had not allowed her such finesse before. It stopped me and I looked over at her. She reached up and touched my lips. It tickled. I smiled at her with tears welling in my eyes. She's growing up so fast. She'd been studying me for I'm not sure how long; Sitting in her bumbo chair and watching the world. She gave me a shy grin then went back to investigating my lips for a few seconds. Then once again stroked my arm. It was a moment of clarity, of sweetness unparallelled. It was like she was for a moment an older child. It surprised me coming from my 4.5 month old. I knew there would never be another moment quite like it. Her hands will never be as soft as they are today. Her smile never as gummy as her first teeth threaten to break through. In that moment, I paused and we were speaking to each other on a different plain. I caressed her chubby cheek with my other hand. Wondering how my hands feel to her. Maybe they feel like my husbands hands do to me. Rough in comparison to my own. I kissed her slobbery lips and then wrapped her up in the most loving hug I could muster as I whispered to her "I love you Phoenix, Thank you".
I soak up moments like these and frequently visit them when I'm feeling blue; when I'm at my wits end and feeling like a failed mother. They ground me and help unleash that raw passionate love. It's the only way to counteract a toddler in the midst of tantrum. That's when I have brilliant parenting ideas. It doesn't always come to me easily. That's why I decided to write this one down. I want to relive it a million times over.
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