Fertility Friends...

365 days ago I woke up at 5 am. I took my basal body temperature, noted that it was still elevated, and trudged to the bathroom ready to see another pregnancy test laugh in my face. I had tested just two days prior and received a Big Fat Negative. I had little hope left. I had learned to not get too hopeful at any one month, after getting let down 20 times before. As I stared at the little white window I started to see something I never had before, a very faint second line appeared. I immediately started crying and trying to wipe the tears out of the way to make sure it was really there. I put the test down and paced the tiny bathroom giving it the full time to develop(and tried to compose myself so I could see!) before I made my conclusion and announcement to my husband. The second time I looked, I decided it was time to freak out. It was true, I wasn't just dreaming anymore. I was pregnant! Here's a little about infertility and what I went through to get here, and what makes me thank God every day for my little blessing...

When my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby, we had no idea what we were in for. Not for the normal reasons but because we didn't know it would be one of the hardest things for us to do. This Trying To Conceive (TTC) thing proved to be the biggest hurdle we've had to jump, er, run at full force and face plant into again and again. I read a part of a book, probably on that amazon sneak peek thing, that was written by a psychologist that studied couples with infertility. He said that for couples with infertility, the emotional pain associated with each month's period can best be described as the loss of one's sibling. And while I didn't necessarily feel like I lost my big brother every month, there were times where this statement was undoubtedly true. Times when I was tired of hoping, trying, putting on a happy face, looking for answers that I already knew weren't there...times when all I could do was collapse into an insurmountable heap and sob until I passed out. All my husband could do was hold me an tell me it was going to be ok. I knew it'd be "ok" though. I didn't want it to be just "ok" anymore. I wanted what every mom, regardless of whether she wanted it or not, had the pleasure of being blessed with. I wanted what I was taught was so "easy" to accidentally get; Pregnant. I wanted what I had always dreamed about, while playing with dolls, while holding other people's precious bundles of JOY.

I didn't understand why nobody ever talked about how "some people" can't get pregnant. By some people I mean the 7.3 million people old enough to reproduce in the United States according to the Centers for Disease Control. Most people with children take it for granted. Then they tell people who can't get pregnant or are having trouble, that "Children are overrated" or "Stop trying and it will happen". DON'T EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE EXPERIENCING INFERTILITY! 80% of people experiencing IF(infertility) have a PHYSICAL DIAGNOSABLE REASON! They can't fix bad eggs or low sperm count and motility by just "letting it happen". Then there's the 20% of people with IF that doctors cannot diagnose with an actual issue.

Which brings me to my next topic. Which is worse, knowing whats wrong with you or not knowing what's wrong. It's arguable, but for me not knowing what was wrong was worse. I had no "direction" to go in. My hubby's count was amazing, I seemed to be ovulating and had no abnormal hormone levels. I was lost. There had to be a reason that for 20 months in a row with perfectly timed intercourse that his super swimmers were not making it to my young eggs and making an embryo. NO MATTER HOW RELAXED I WAS! Some women have 4 perfect embryos implanted into a young and supple uterus and the lining is still shed resulting in a very expensive(sometimes upwards of $10,000) depressing, absolutely earth shattering realization.

The miracle of life isn't an exact science. That's why they call it a miracle.

Sometimes it doesn't happen for 8 years with hundreds of thousands of dollars of failed attempts. Sometimes it happens when you have your tubes tied...That's why its called a miracle. Let me stress that I did not put my life on hold. I still did things that made me happy, I still had fun. But there was always a yearning I couldn't seem to shake. I wrote this next tid bit 2 weeks before I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive).

"I love you. Even though your heart has yet to beat, your limbs have yet to form, I Love You. I pray you find your way to me every day. I will never give up wanting and praying for you, despite the pain it causes me to wait. I love you and know that you are out there; the perfect beautiful soul to compliment and challenge your Daddy and me. I will wait eagerly anticipating your arrival and sending you all my Love however long it takes. You are worth it. I just know I will hear you say "Mommy" one day and all of this pain and sadness will no longer matter. I promise to fully appreciate you because you are a miracle and to Love and care for you to the best of my abilities until I draw my last breath and in the afterlife if I am so allowed...There is a special hole in my soul reserved for you whenever you may find it. I will wait for you to complete me. Always...With Love, Mommy"

Well I was right! He brings out the best in both of us. After looking back on the whole journey, I'm glad we had to wait. I think it' made every sweet moment sweeter. I feel like I have cavities! I also met some of the best women I have ever known through infertility. Forums where I spilled my guts and found friends who understood. I didn't feel alone with them. Seeing their strength in suffering, and also their vulnerability, was comforting. The "veterans" were there for advice. Some women who struggled with infertility for 9 years and somehow got blessed with child. Women who suffered through 5 or more miscarriages before getting their take home babies. Some women still hoping to get pregnant after countless years and some who decided adoption was the way to attain their dream of a family. Others were going through the exact same thing as I was right along with me. These women are my idols! I love them so much and I think of them everyday and I pray every day for those still hoping for a baby. I hope that everyone going trying to conceive and not having any luck can find a group to support them like this. It truly is a insurmountable help.

To my son August, I hope one day you understand just how special you are to your Daddy and me. I prayed over my belly every day for 38 weeks after I found out you were inside me because I knew we still hadn't made it all the way yet. The day you were born was the best day of my life so far and you will always be my baby boy! MUAH! I still thank god for every day I get to spend with you! You are amazing!